Damage Control

One hour before starting to write this article, God sent a new patient my way, John L., a 40-year-old sales rep from Atlanta who was filled with distress. He was in such acute distress, in fact, that I offered him a Klonopin wafer, a medication which would have ended his panic attack within four minutes and kept it away for eight hours. He refused, having a strong desire to “tough it out” without meds until he recovered from therapy alone. “None of my family of origin had any significant emotional problems, Dr. Meier,” John assured me, “and I have never had significant anxiety or depression, in spite of 20 years of marital conflicts, until the past couple of years. But now I am so burned out—so overwhelmed, that I lost my job because I just couldn’t function any longer.” His pastor loved John, and wanted to relieve John’s pain, so he sent John to our Day Program in Dallas, with the church covering the charges for his treatment.

“Tell me what you feel is overwhelming you, John,” I replied. “Painful people in my life, Dr. Meier. I feel like I always have—always had to—walk on eggshells around a number of difficult people my whole life, but I have always managed to cope with it until the past couple of years. My mom died two years ago, and she was a cruel, controlling, selfish woman. She thought the whole world revolved around her, and she was always laying guilt trips on me.”  “John, tell me why you think you became MORE distressed rather than LESS distressed since she died?” I prodded gently.  “I have no idea, Dr. Meier, it just doesn’t make any sense to me why I have taken it so hard.” “I don’t know you very well yet, John, and I have never met any of your family members, but let me toss out a couple of common causes for reactions like this to see if any of them fit. Would that be OK, John?” “Fire away, Dr. Meier, that’s why I’m here, and why my pastor sent me. We are hoping the truth can set me free from this two-year prison of pain I have been in.” “Well, John, I’ll share with you what I have seen most often in my 30 years of practice, and you can tell me if I am barking up the wrong tree.

There are six billion people on planet earth, John, and all of us tend to automatically fall into a foolish rat race, feeling like a nobody, and spending too much time, money and energy trying to prove that we are somebody.” “Most of our basic personality patterns, including how we view men, women and ourselves, are formed by our sixth birthday. Thank God for Philippians 4:13, ‘I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.’ We can change no matter how old we are, with God’s help. But most people don’t change much.” “And, John, we tend to base way too much of how we see ourselves in the eyes of the people around us. Instead of believing Psalm 139, that God thinks about us so many times a day that we can’t even count them; we tend to believe that ‘critical parent’ who told us we were stupid when we made mistakes, and that we were evil and disrespectful for coming to any conclusions that differ in any way from that critical parent’s way of thinking.” “Exactly, Dr. Meier,” John responded emotionally. “Every time I failed at anything or disagreed with mom, she made me feel crazy.

“  “Make me feel crazy, right now, John, so I will know what it feels like,” I retorted, to teach John an important key to freedom.  “Well, I—I can’t make you feel crazy, Dr. Meier. I could call you names right now and criticize you, but I think you would probably survive my onslaught and still not be convinced you are crazy.”  “You’re right, John. I actually fail fairly often at various things in my life, but I accept that as part of being human, so I don’t beat myself up over it. I just thank God I am a normal human who can love and be loved forever. I used to let ‘Crazymakers’ affect me throughout much of my life too, because of a strict, critical father. But I continue to learn better ways to protect myself from all the ‘Crazymakers’ in this world. I have noticed that you tend to think externally.

Do you tend to look outside yourself for the sources of your pain, as well as for your self worth?” “I do, Dr. Meier. The slightest criticism ruins my whole day. When I got fired from my job a few months ago, I was absolutely devastated, because I always had an excellent job record. Yet I always managed to cope, somehow. Why has it gotten worse since my mom died?” “Well, John, when you were a little boy and your mom treated you like an extension of herself, taught you that the world revolved around her, that you existed to make her happy, and that you were incompetent to think for yourself, you automatically believed her even though all those things were lies. You thought—you were taught from day one—that there was something wrong with you… but there wasn’t.